Tuesday was Donut Day at the homeschooling center that my kids attend four days out of the week. The center is part of the Bellevue School District, but operates on a different model that requires at least one parent to be present at all times. Meaning, I had to spend a day surrounded by these sugar bombs. As I looked at the glistening field of cholesterol spread out on the large circular table, I thought to myself, Thank the Goddess that no one else here is vegan.
Yes, friends, you can make a vegan donut. And they’re damn tasty. A company in Seattle called Mighty-O Donuts makes some nice dosh off of the enterprise. What’s good for Mighty-O’s bottom line, however, is bad for my waistline. I have no self-control when exposed to sugar. Had those been boxes of vegan donuts occupying the room, I’d have scarfed down near a dozen, and spent the remainder of the day curled up Golem-like in the corner with the last Chocolate Raspberry cradled in my hands, stroking its cratered contour while hissing “My precccccioussssss…”
I know this defies stereotype. I’m supposed to be strutting around all self-righteous in my dietary choices, lecturing people on how the chicken they’re enjoying was raised in a 5-by-5-inch cage and tortured with sewing needles by sadistic farmers every evening at seven, after which the poor little things are strapped to chairs and their lids propped open a la Clockwork Orange as they’re forced to test-screen the latest Adam Sandler film. It’s that kind of (largely fictional) zealotry that led Anthony Bourdain to christen us the “Hezbollah-like splinter faction” of vegetarianism.
But, truly, I’m glad on a certain level that everyone around me eats meat and dairy. Because if they didn’t, I would gobble up any random morsel that had the misfortune to cross my path. While my decision to be vegan is primarily motivated by concern for animal welfare and the environment, health is also a factor. I feel a thousand times better whenever I eat a plant-based, whole foods diet with little added sugar. It’s easier to stick to this lifestyle when you know that three quarters of the food that floats past your grasp every day is strictly off limits.
So live it up, omnivores. Truly. You’re doing me a favor. And I’m not judging you. Well, maybe a little. But never out loud. Except perhaps during the twice-monthly meeting of the Liberal Vegan Ecological Homosexual Agenda Conspiracy Committee.
Goddammit. I’ve already said too much. Jay out.
Psssst…wanna know more about the health benefits of a plant-based diet, despite my best efforts to convince you to continue eating Bessie and Babe? Check out the documentary Forks Over Knives, which is currently available via Netflix.
